Saturday, June 10, 2006

6/6/6 - Quite a dissapointment.

No, I didn't see the remake of THE OMEN. I've never seen the original, and I really don't give much of a damn to see Satan work through cute little kids. I was waiting for mass suicides, atomic bombings, the seas boiling over with the blood of non-believers... yeah, this millenium's peek in to the apocalypse was a real dissapointment. Ah well. Maybe in 3006.

Anyway, I've been watching a lot of stuff lately. And I've been working on... stuff. So I'll just give a few thoughts on the more amusing films I've watched in the past few days.


LA BETE: THE BEAST - This is a... unique film. Near as I can tell, Walerian Borowczyk made a short film, and later made a feature film to stuff said short film in to. You'd think this would be a bad thing, but it comes across as all right: the film opens with 2 horses doing it hardcore and ends with a naked hairy guy with a claw and a tail. The basic plot is about a poor aristocratic French family who's only son is betrothed to marry an English girl he's been writing love letters to for some time. He was never baptized, he's not too bright, he makes horses hump for a living, but the lovely bird loves him anyway. But as said betrothed bitch soon learns, the house has a strange history of a beast that raped a lady in waiting... and as the preperations for the wedding go awry, she dreams of the act that forever cursed the household.

Forget the infamy of the film: the majority of Borowczyk's film is basically a satire of the Victorian romance, playing people who have never met as madly in love, their families preparing the event to save their own asses, full of pedophile priests, hateful siblings, less than bemused black servants, and horny girls everyone assumes to be innocent. If you're in to the genre, I'm sure it's great stuff. For those who - like me - are just there for the smut, the last reel doesn't dissapoint. The "original" short film includes a guy in a $6 gorilla suit with a bear head and a rubber horse cock getting multiple footjobs and squirting about 6 gallons of fake semen. It's goofy, it's fake looking, and it's one of the most hilarious and awesome things I've ever seen. The film's not worth it's weight in gold the whole way through as closet beastiality fans would have you believe, but it -is- the greatest gorilla suit porno you're likely to find. And that's worth at least $20 in my book.


SEIJU GAKUEN: SCHOOL OF THE HOLY BEAST- I watch a lot of Japanese porn. I mean, A LOT of Japanese porn. One thing I learned about Japanese porn is that it's really some of the best stuff in the world. It's softcore, I admit: you can't legally show bush, vag or wang in Japan to this day (for the most part - you can kinda' get away with frontal nudity if it's not sexual now), so they have to make up for this handicap by making the most insane and awesome artsy plot driven porn. Even moreso than a lot of American porn from the 70's, which had honest attempts at being movies too. Anyway. This was directed by SUZUKU Norifumi, the guy
who directed STAR OF DAVID: Beautiful Girl Hunter, so it had to be good.

And good it was. A young woman goes off to a convent to uncover the truth behind her mother's death. While there she finds that the father is a nun-raping bastard, that the sisters partake in savage punishments for crimes against the word of God, and when they learn that our young heroine is the illegitimate daughter of the father - a man warped mentally and physically from surviving the atomic bombing of Nagasaki - they decide to call in the big guns and bring a witch hunter from Rome to try and eliminate those who may uncover the dark secrets of the convent. It's also got 2 men in nun robes raping the mother superior and stealing her porno. Stylish, violent, with a twisted storyline pulled from a vintage manga... what can I say, much like Suzuki's STAR OF DAVID, this film just starts kicking ass from the title and really doesn't stop until all is said and done. It also has a guy getting shived with a crucifix! Awesome.


THE DESCENT - See it now before Lion's Gate fucks it over with a new ending! Anyway, British horror film from the same blokes that did the awesomely cool DOG SOLDIERS film. It starts off with about half a dozen cute girls going down in to a deep dark cave. Yeah, sounds hawt. But don't let that fool you: there's no psuedo lesbian love story in the dark love tunnel. What the film does have, though, is a race of underground batlike crawlers, cannibalistic screeching monsters that hunt by sound and chow down on the half dozen hapless girls trapped in a hole.

The film is VERY stylish, has some wonderful performances, awesome gore and may well be the best horror film released outside of the US since HAUTE TENSION. (I'm still rather partial to Aja's HILLS remake, flawed though it may have been.) Fast, gory, claustrophobic, relentless, it basically delivers on every level that a "humans vs. monsters" movie should without any of the retarded cliche's or "oh come ON now..." moments Hollywood usually stuffs these affaird with. It's not quite as lovable or as action packed as Dog Soldiers, but it's definately the better film, and I can't sum this one up by saying "take Predator, Night of the Living Dead and an American Werewolf in London. Stir and chill before viewing with pizza and beer." That I can't compare it immediately to 3 American horror films without even trying makes me smile.

I could probably try harder to compare The Descent to something. But I won't. I'd rather hope they're trying hard to make something moderately original.


And that's my piece for today. I'll have work related crap to talk about next time, but for now, I need to buy toilet paper. Sorry guys, but wiping my ass is more important than pretty much anything else I can think of.

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